FedEx Terminates Phillie Phanatic After One Day; Used Hot Dog Cannon To Deliver Packages

Less than one day after the start of the Phillie Phanatic’s new job as a FedEx delivery driver, the delivery service announced that it had terminated the Phillie Phanatic’s employment.

The shocking announcement comes after confirmed reports that the Phanatic had employed the use of a hot dog cannon to deliver packages to addresses around the Philadelphia metropolitan area. The Phanatic would use the industrial-grade hydraulic cannon system to shoot packages from the top of its delivery vehicle to their corresponding destinations.

“While we applaud the Phanatic’s attempt at delivery efficiency, it became clear that this ruthless attempt at efficiency proved too deadly and costly”, FedEx said in a press statement.

The Phillie Phanatic, after one delivery shift, had caused over $500,000 in property damages and sent twelve people to the hospital; one in serious condition, after having a toaster delivered directly to their face.

The Philadelphia Phillies also released a statement condemning the improper usage of the hot dog cannon. “The Hot Dog Cannon is not a toy, it is a promotional tool. It is not to be used for anything other than its rightful purpose, which is to shoot packaged projectiled meat to the faces of our valued fans at deadly speeds”, read the Phillies statement.

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