Emotions are at a fever pitch in Toronto, with prized prospect Vladimir Guerrero Jr. expected to make his long-awaited MLB debut in tonight’s game. Fans are delirious with excitement, though some are cautioning a healthy level of restraint.
“While it is clearly obvious that the Toronto Blue Jays fanbase finally has something to cheer about since Jose Bautista did the coolest bat flip in the history of mankind, we would encourage them to temper some of their expectations,” said a representative from the Vatican, Father Ted Crilly. “I saw some signs outside the Rogers Centre professing ‘THE SON OF MAN HATH COMETH.’ Now, really, isn’t that a bit much for a kid who’s never played a Major League game before? And furthermore, it is written in Scripture: ‘But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father’. This all seems a bit much.”
While the Son of Man’s expected return date to save all beings is up in the air, the son of Vladimir Guerrero has been waiting for a call-up since he first started playing in the Blue Jays organization. He has shown his promise from the start, batting .402 with 14 home runs and 61 RBI in just 60 games played for the Double-A New Hampshire Fisher Cats. In addition to his absurdly productive stat line, Guerrero displayed several impressive feats: among them are a holy hand grenade of an arm to match his dad’s famed throwing prowess, the strength to hit home runs far enough and high enough to startle St. Peter at the gates of Heaven, and the ability to briefly make people care about New Hampshire baseball. Needless to say, his debut is eagerly awaited by the Jays faithful.
“Oh, he has risen…up through the ranks of our farm system and he shall be seated at the right hand of the three-hitter as he cleans up all before him on base!” said a fan who claimed to have been camping outside of the Rogers Centre for forty-eight straight hours. “And he shall rise up to the top of the MVP races and his kingship of the American League shall have no end!”
When told that the possibility existed that Guerrero has only being called up now to prevent a clause in his contract from triggering that would allow him to enter free agency before 2025 and thus diminish the amount of money he could earn in a cynical attempt by the parent club to jealously guard their prized prospect and not have to pay him market value, the fan proceeded to devolve into hysterics. Much frothing at the mouth and vague references to Joe Carter were heard.
“Now, see, that’s exactly the kind of thing that worries us,” Father Crilly said. “He’s just a boy! And to place the weight of the world — with all of its hopes and dreams — on the shoulders of one man is utterly ridiculous. These people sound like they’re gonna turn into a violent mob if he doesn’t give them exactly what they want! And what would satisfy them? The ability to hit .300 and walk on water at the same time?”
Guerrero Jr., who is currently batting .333 for the AAA Buffalo Bisons, could not be reached for comment, as sources close to the slugger said he was out walking on Lake Ontario. When asked if the source meant walking *by* Lake Ontario, the source insisted that they were telling the exact truth.
The Blue Jays play the Oakland Athletics, tonight.
The Eephus 