According to insider reports and sources close to the team, Boston Red Sox pitcher Chris Sale is considered questionable for his next start tonight against the Tigers. While the reports have yet to be confirmed, sources suggest that the supposed ace is consulting with a voodoo shaman to determine the cause to his uncharacteristically poor start to the season.
“It’s really been strange,” Sox manager Alex Cora said. “I’m glad that Chris is taking steps to fix whatever is ailing him at the start of this season, but frankly I worry if this isn’t a bit overkill. After all, it isn’t like we just paid him over $140 million dollars or some ridiculous number of that magnitude.”
The wannabe Cy Young candidate could not be reached for comment, but even people with a passing understanding of the game can see he’s not doing well. Sale is 0-4 to start this season, and has an 8.50 ERA. In addition, the alleged strikeout expert has had trouble avoiding opponents’ bats. In four starts, he has only struck out 14 batters. Furthermore, teammates have reported changes in Sale’s behavior that have a few wondering if the so-called All Star candidate isn’t going overboard in looking for solutions to his problems.
“I mean, pitchers are a strange bunch but the talisman he’s been wearing over the past few days is kinda weirding me out,” Red Sox infielder Dustin Pedroia said. “Like, he claims that it’s supposed to ward off evil charms or things that disrupt your mojo, but frankly it looks dumb. Just wear a Phiten necklace; those things are the truth, believe me!”
“I’ve asked to switch lockers away from him,” Sox reliever Nathan Eovaldi said. “His space reeks of sea salt and rosemary. And one time I thought that his gree-gree or whatever it’s called bag was a protein powder bag that I could borrow. It was pure cinnamon! Have you ever tried eating raw cinnamon thinking it was a protein pack?”
It is uncertain what brings the totally not overrated Sale to seek out such alternate recovery methods, even beyond the typical superstitions of left-handed pitchers. Some sources close to the southpaw suggest that it is simply the natural progression for all pitchers once they hit the age of 30, with the options being either to continue to pitch at a high level or to age in dog years. Other sources speculate that Sale, who has struggled with arm problems over the past few seasons, is simply losing his luster as the nagging injuries take their toll. One source, however, offers a different take.
“Sale totally had it coming,” a man who did not wish to be identified but whose number could be traced back to the office of former White Sox General Manager and current Executive Vice President Kenny Williams. “I mean, what did he think was gonna happen when he cut up all of those jerseys? The curse of the Black Sox had been drifting around aimlessly looking for a new victim, and all it needed for a moment of spiteful childishness to claim a host. And now that we’ve begun rebuilding, the curse has deserted us and found a new host in the man dumb enough to take scissors to retro jerseys in a sport that glorifies the past and never moves into the modern age! The curse lives in Sale! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
The Red Sox play the Tigers this afternoon at 1:05 EST.
The Eephus 