Back in the REAR END of 2013, one of the worst on-field accidents shocked the baseball world. Finally, more than five years later, the effects of said accident are ready to be put BEHIND us, as years of intense medical research finally yielded results.
Towards the TAIL END of the 2013 MLB season, the Cincinnati Reds squared off with the Houston Astros in Minute Maid Park for what was expected to be an underwhelming regular season game. However, what happened on the field turned out to be overwhelming, instead.
In a CHEEKY play, then-Astros shortstop Jonathan Villar tried to SQUEEZE OUT a double from a single. Then-Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips caught a throw from his then-teammate Shin-Soo Choo to tag out Villar, but was caught in a compromising position as Villar was hauling ASS to second base. What followed next was the life-changing and traumatizing incident that still haunts many players and fans, to this day. Villar had slid into Phillips’ ass.
The video of the incident can be seen here. (WARNING: Graphic. Not Appropriate For All Audiences)
Neither Villar nor Phillips were the same, since the accident. Both players were forced to adapt to their new lives, as Villar was seemingly permanently stuck in Phillips’ ass.
“The whole situation really had us down in the DUMPs,” explained Phillips. “We really were the BUTT of a lot of jokes. It was hard for us to keep our SHIT together. It just was a CRAPPY situation.”
However, after all these years, their lives finally changed for the better, as the efforts of Dr. Po Sterior, a renowned doctor and researcher from Djibouti (audio pronunciation available here), finally got down to the BOTTOM of the problem. Earlier today, Dr. Sterior and his team were successful in a highly-experimental medical procedure that separated Villar and Phillips.
“When I was presented with this case, I knew it was something I could get BEHIND,” explained Dr. Sterior, tossing away his cigarette BUTT. “It was definitely something we had to take a CRACK at, since the medical technology wasn’t quite there, so we had to make some ASSumptions to speed up the research.”
The procedure used to separate the players was highly experimental, risky, yet groundbreaking with the potential to improve millions of lives. “The procedure was hard, that’s for sure,” explained Dr. Sterior. “I made sure to have the best team for it. No BUMS. We really could not afford to half-ASS it. But, we did it. We achieved history. In fact, I keep many mementos of that moment in a BIG BOX in my office.”
After the surgery, both Villar and Phillips were in high spirits. “Finally,” said Phillips, “I’m able to go back to my old life and grab life by the CHEEKS, again.”
When asked how he was feeling after the surgery, Villar responded by saying “I’m POOPED.”
The Eephus 